A while ago, I set out to write an article on what same sex attraction/homosexual orientation looks like in real life. I knew that by the end of that weekend, I would be done writing it, have it edited and hopefully post it in the week that followed. Well, many days have passed and my original thought pattern faded. However, the topic has remained something I would want to still explore and thus the birth of this article.
Experiences of a Christian experiencing a homosexual orientation
This title is a mouthful, I hope to do justice to it. Now, let’s get started… Sorry, one more thing, am not writing this from a journal recording , I wish I was but very few times especially when I am experiencing negative experiences do I wish to record in my journal. But, trust my brain because it has a tendency of holding on to things especially those I wish it would release. Lastly, I do not wish to generalize my experience as one that is experienced by all but I believe many can relate to it.
So,here we go….
Acceptance; then what..…
In the previous articles, I wrote of the important lessons I had learnt on coming into terms with my sexuality and being open about it. This I called acceptance, meanwhile a question lingered in the background. After acceptance, then what? Well in some way I knew the answer to it; I knew it meant God still loved me and that he was in the process of working in me the holiness that he desires and I knew I was more than willing to submit to him in seeing this happen. It was also clearer that this was not a licence to being sexually active with people of the same sex but rather, more than ever, take my purity bar even higher. At least for now the pressure to date a pretty lady in order to please the ever demanding community around me had diminished. The ground rules were already set and with much hopes, I launched into the future.
A few days/weeks/months later:-
We stood next to each other as we waited for the Fight. Our very own Zarika would be defending her WBC title that evening and we were sure of her win but decided to watch anyway. From the sides, I caught a glimpse of my neighbour, he smiled; the smile seemed to draw a nice curve on his dark face, I noted quickly that his set of white teeth settled perfectly on his face. That had an effect on my hormones and in that moment of confusion I stole a second glance at him again and this time round our eyes met; his gaze had an image of innocence, some form of radiance seemed to emanate from his eyes, a force stronger than gravity seemed to draw me nearer to him. In the next few minutes I longed to engage in a conversation with him, I wished to know what he thought of the fight and yes I wanted to know whether I would be seeing him for the last time or if there was going to be a possible common hangout again. In a glimpse this was my thought flow, I knew if not controlled the flow would continue to paths that were more dangerous, I needed to do something. I could not deny the attraction since it was so real. Most probably I would still have a repeat of the same in the days that followed and for that there was a need to be prepared. But was there a way to be prepared for this? “May be”, I thought, “May be this could be channelled for good , may be”…..
To be sincere I am still figuring out, but so far I have had a good share of successes, all thanks to the Holy Spirit guidance on every occasion.
Longing for intimacy
I never saw this coming and being a Christian I had the comfort of having Jesus Christ as my all time friend. Additionally, being highly melancholic and thus in some good way introverted I knew that I would not struggle being my own friend. It was thus unexpected when I started developing a yearning to be wanted. Let me explain, I recount of evenings I sat in my house feeling emotionally distant from my room mate; though a good guy and very caring I felt a distance. Being a friend to many, I was still having the normal WhatsApp chats; getting actively involved in various discussions online. Having one or two calls, someone either following up on an assignment earlier given or someone generally wanting to know my current state. Despite all this, I still felt a longing to be sold out to someone, a friend I could talk to, call at any time, have hangouts together. One with whom I could share my joys and pains again and again without having to worry about becoming burdensome. Yes, I longed for intimacy with someone, someone that I liked and was emotionally attracted to. I knew I had lady friends that I could choose to let this happen with but it demanded so much strength. Emotionally I felt closer to my male friends, our random chats with my friends left me longing for me. I wished that I was David and was enjoying the intimacy of Jonathan, I yearned to be Frodo and Sam in the Trilogy Lord of the Rings and enjoy the companionship of a dear friend in a land that threatened of death with him being the flicker of hope. A friend I would want and be wanted in return.
I know there is a thin line between what I am craving for and same sex partnership/gay marriage. But my stand doesn’t change on the latter, I already said No to it and am not ready to give in to it.This i believe I’ll conquer by the grace of God.
But is there a way that my longing can be purely satisfied?
Well, I’m on a journey of finding that wholly and so far my reading has comforted me in so many ways one being, that mine is a reality that many in my path have lived and it did/has not stopped them from living whole, fulfilling and godly lives. God has also created a family for me and people like me. A family of friends who I can be devoted to. This is what one my distant friend call ‘spiritual friendships’, and I am on a mission of exploring them.
The Battle of lust
This is the last thing I would wish to speak about. In this article. . Like many of you, I really do wish to have a black and white story of before and after. Well, I think I kind of do but my after has been and still is a journey. Painted with moments of victory, struggles and sometimes falling. My after has at times, made me wear faces. It’s something that creeps without warning, very spontaneous. It could start with let’s say some little fantasy of a past experience. A weak moment exhibited by a continued nursing of these fantasies leads to having these experiences re-played in my mind. In no time, guilt starts creeping in and instead of leading me to repentance, more than once I have found myself visiting the sites plus the areas which I had committed not to. I cannot explain the pain and despair brought by all these. The feeling of loss of fellowship with God, the distancing I seek to create with friends after such an episode and the despair that hits me. That which play games with my mind, telling me that I can never live to be true to what I believe in and hold dearly. In all these struggles though, I can’t help but give much thanks to God who has fetched me from that pit more than a million times. The times I have been carried by flesh, the moments of deep guilt and regret, God has ALWAYS fetched me. Sometimes using the community of friends who have continually assured me that it is well.
More than ever I still join the preacher Jonathan Edwards in making this resolution that “I will never give up, nor in the least slacken my fight with the corruptions of my body no matter how unsuccessful I may be.
That happens to be my experience thus far, on this eastern side of Eden. I have tried to summarize it in the three areas though there remains a lot that I have not said. It’s already clear as I may have noted in the other previous articles that I have not always considered my orientation as purely ‘evil’ in itself, for it is the thorn that has enhanced my devotion to God, the very one that has made me understand His grace and the foundation on which I have been able to extend compassion to many others as I have received from God.
It however remains a temptation that can lead to a grave sin. A sin that can destroy credibility especially in the body of Christ. The very one whose guilt would have adverse effects on my relationship with my creator. The very one that I should fight with all Christ’s energy that works in me.
Meanwhile that is my pre-resurrection reality, one that I live not in despair, pity or shame but in Faith on to the one who died and rose again. To the one who said ‘it is finished’ a reality fulfilled now and that which will manifest fully at the end of time. Though I groan I do so in eager expectation of the redemption of this mortal body.
And he who promised is faithful .
Now, may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it. (1st Thessalonians 5:23-24)